by Tommy Gimler
Attention, fantasy dorks. It’s not like we’re as impatient as a dude at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch trying to get in a quick beej before they discover he’s using a stolen credit card. It’s just that some of these guys have gotten off to a Taylor Swift-esque start this year, and it’s chapping our asses something fierce. Sure, the baseball season might be only three weeks old, but odds are if you hang on to these turds too much longer, you’ll find your fake team spending more time in the cellar than the Miami Marlins.
Catcher – Alex Avila, Detroit Tigers
After hitting .295 with 19 home runs and 82 RBI in 2011, Avila has provided nothing but a dick sandwich since. He’s currently batting .196, slugging just .304, and striking out 28% of the time he steps up to the plate. His batting average and OBP are the worst amongst all catchers in the game. Try picking up Evan Gattis or even leaving your catcher slot empty. Absolutely zero production would be better than what this fantasy turd has provided thus far.
First Baseman – Justin Smoak, Seattle Mariners
Smoak was the big piece of the Cliff Lee to Texas deal in 2010, but in reality he has never been anything more than a big piece of shit on the baseball diamond. You have to think Seattle management is growing impatient with the 26-year-old fantasy turd, especially since they have about 60 guys on their roster who can play first base. In 69 (haha) AB’s this year, Smoak is hitting just .188 with no home runs, 3 RBI, and 19 strikeouts. Puke.
Second Baseman – Rickie Weeks, Milwaukee Brewers
If you were dumb enough to select Weeks on draft day, then you deserve a cunt punt or two from that Delta Gamma broad at the Univerity of Maryland. Through 17 games, the Brewers’ second baseman has twice as many strikeouts (24) as he does hits (12), leaving him with a cool .182 hitting mark. At this pace, Weeks will strike out 229 times when the season ends. Brewers fans have to think the baseball gods are angry with them when their team has an many injuries as they do, and this turd isn’t one of them.
Third Baseman – Mike Moustakas, Kansas City Royals
We have about as much faith in Moustakas right now as we do in the Greek financial system. After slugging 20 home runs a year ago, the Royals’ third baseman is having trouble hitting the ball out of the infield much less out of the park. Homerless in 56 AB’s thus far, Moustakas has driven in just one run and is hitting a dog shit .161.
Shortstop – Asdrubal Cabrera, Cleveland Indians
What happened to this fucking guy? Much like Avila, Cabrera had a stellar 2011 season but has been subpar, like a blow job from a 28-year-old virgin (way too teethy for our liking), ever since. In 2011, he hit 25 bombs, scored 87 runs, and drove in 92. But in the four years prior, Cabrera only hit 18 total dingers, averaged less than 50 runs, and drove in an average of 44 runs. We’re going to just go ahead and say 2011 was a fluke, bitch.
Outfielder – Aaron Hicks, Minnesota Twins
After an impressive spring, Twins management decided to give Hicks the Opening Day centerfield jobby job along with hitting leadoff. They ended up being almost as wrong as broads with cats. In 51 AB’s, Hicks has been about as successful as the WNBA, amassing just three hits and 21 strikeouts. Let’s just put it this way. When Adam Dunn is hitting .108 because he’s Adam Dunn, and that batting average is exactly double what you’re hitting, you fucking blow.
Pitcher – Philip Humber, Houston Astros
Humber has started four games this year and on average has lasted less than five innings per start. He’s lost all four games and currently owns a 6.63 ERA and 1.58 WHIP. Philip Humber is so fucking brutal that not even Philip Humber drafted Philip Humber for his fantasy squad. Philip Humber is so bad that if you let Yahoo! autodraft your entire team and you forgot to put him on your “do not draft” list and they selected him, they would have instantly emailed you an apology. Philip Humber is so fucking bad that Ricky Romero, Alex White, and Nathan Eovaldi haven’t thrown one inning of baseball at the Major League level this year, and they are all ranked higher, much higher, than Humber. Yet 2% of Yahoo! fantasy baseball players own this douche. Quite frankly, if you’re in that batch, then you’re either in a 24-team league or you must be a woman…
